No Kidding!: Singles and couples are coming together, united by their common decision not to have children

By Heather LaRoi
July 31, 2003

Maria-Elena Vega-Oxley wants to get one thing straight right from the start: She loves kids, adores them, in fact. Just ask her nieces and nephews about how she dotes on them.

It is just that she doesn't want children of her own.

Huh?

"It's just freedom. Knowing that if I wake up on my day off and don't want to do anything or if I want to do 100 things, I can do that," Vega-Oxley, 40, of Dale said.

Recognizing that she is hardly alone in her view, Vega-Oxley is the driving force behind No Kidding!, the local chapter of an international organization that is designed to bring childfree people, both singles and couples, together for social activities. The group is targeted to have its first meeting here in the Fox Valley in early fall.

No Kidding!, launched on the Web in 1984, now has 10,000 members in 86 chapters in five countries.

It taps into a growing demographic trend. According to a 2001 American Demographics report, the percentage of women of childbearing age who define themselves as voluntarily childless is on the rise: from 2.4 percent in 1982 to 4.3 percent in 1990 to 6.6 percent in 1995.

What that adds up to is a growing number of adults like Vega-Oxley and her husband, Jeff Oxley, who are childfree and perfectly happy to be that way.

Vega-Oxley's decision not to have children kind of evolved over time, she said.

"I come from a background where it's all about family. I'm 100 percent Mexican, I was born and raised Catholic. I was without a doubt the black sheep of the family relative to the way I thought and how I wanted to be independent in the world and do my own thing," she said.

"As I grew older, I just realized I liked the lifestyle I'm leading the way it is. I adore my nieces and nephews and I would do anything for them and I love it when they come and stay with me. I love it even more when they go home. And they know that. Auntie Maria is the cool one, she's the fun one but then it's time to go."

The reasons for opting out of parenthood range from ideology to lifestyle preference. Some are concerned about the time and cost involved in raising kids. Others want to focus on careers. Some cite environmental reasons such as overpopulation. Many childfree couples say they simply don't want kids or don't think they are suited to parenthood.

Whatever the motivation, the decision clearly frees up vast time and resources for other pursuits.

What isn't clear to many in our admittedly child-centric society is what makes people who opt not to join the mainstream tick. Reactions to the decision to remain childfree can range from disbelief to outrage.

"In my family, it was not just my father, it was my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, I mean I was definitely looked at like, 'What's wrong with her? Why does she want to be different?'" Vega-Oxley said. "I don't want to be different, it's just what it is."

Lynn Peters, 34, of Appleton is single and said that whenever her decision not to have children comes up, people inevitably seem to just cluck indulgently and say, "Well, you'll change your mind." The notion that she simply might not be interested in children of her own just doesn't compute with many people, including, she said, her own mother.

"I get that 'What if you meet Mr. Wonderful and he wants kids and you change your mind,'" Peters said. "Then I get on a soapbox and say look at the world population. My not having children is not going to make any iota of difference. It's an environmental choice."

"I also don't think I'd be mom material. I mean I love kids, I love hanging out with them, but I wouldn't be mom material. And if I'm not interested, why would I do that to a kid?"

Peters also recently decided to go back to school. That's something that probably wouldn't be an option if she had children, she said.

Choosing to remain childfree in a society where everything from automobile advertising to tax breaks are often geared to the archetypal American family is not always an easy path to follow.

Childfree adults say they often are overlooked or looked down upon for their decision. They hear things like they must be cold or unfulfilled. Society also often tends to view a couple's decision not to have children as somehow self-centered or selfish.

Those who decline to have children counter that too many people out there have children for the wrong reasons.

"Far too often, I hear, 'Boy, that's really selfish of you,'" Vega-Oxley said. "And I'm thinking, it's selfish that I'm smart enough to understand what my limitations are as opposed to the person who chose to have kids and doesn't have time for them? I would say I'm very educated in my decision and knowing myself well enough that I realize my limitations."

"Just because I don't have children doesn't mean I don't have a life or I don't have interests or things that keep me occupied. When people would say that to me, I'd actually find it very insulting. I mean, God bless you that you have children and I respect the people who've made that choice, but don't ask me to feel sorry for you when you're running late or you're exhausted because Susie kept you up. That was your choice."

The No Kidding! organization is designed primarily as a social group, helping childfree people to connect.

"The majority of my friends have children so I can pick up the phone and say, 'What are you doing, let's go here,' and they're like, 'Sorry, we have a dance recital or a dentist appointment,'" Vega-Oxley said. "I have no problem going out and amusing myself, but it is nice to have that occasional person along with you. It's so family orientated here ... but for those of us who are not, it really makes it hard to find others like ourselves. That is certainly what the crux of Just Kidding! is all about, trying to bring people like us together and forming friendships."

Karen Gedman, 51, of Sherwood comes to No Kidding! with a slightly different background. She and her husband are empty-nesters, their kids having left home. As relative newcomers to the area, they, too, found that their childfree state sometimes puts them out of the loop.

"Once you don't have children any more and move to a place that's pretty much settled, it's hard to find people of your age to do things with and people to do things with that don't have kids," Gedman said.

Attitudes toward childfree adults are changing, however, Vega-Oxley said.

"Certainly when I was the young woman of 25, people were literally outraged. ... 'What do you mean you don't want to have children?'" she said.

Now, people are getting more accustomed to seeing adults, especially women, who are independent and living satisfying lives. Sometimes that just happens to include not having children.

"And you know what? They're totally fulfilled, and they don't have a baby. Isn't that a miracle," Vega-Oxley said. "We just have chosen to lead our lives a little bit differently."