Married without children

By Helena Oliviero
August 24, 2003

Couples say not having offspring doesn't deprive them of well-rounded lives

Joe and Deb Schum of Atlanta didn't have to baby-proof the house or buy a car seat.

The couple, married without children, cruise to the Georgia mountains in their matching Harley-Davidson motorcycles whenever they want to. Their gourmet kitchen is outfitted with gleaming stainless steel appliances and trendy concrete countertops -- but no kitchen table.

They love their creature comforts, their out-of-town travel. So kids who might crimp that lifestyle are not part of their recipe for happiness.

"If we had kids, we would need a table where the kids could do homework," said Deb Schum, who sells computer software.

The Schums are part of a growing number of couples across the country for whom kids don't factor in the marriage equation. Last year, the nation's birth rate fell to a historic low of 66.9 births per 1,000 women aged 15 to 44 -- a decline of 43 percent since 1960. Many childless couples revel in their decision, despite badgering from baffled mothers and friends. Others struggle with the choice before keeping the house kid-free.

They see marriage as a union to fulfill emotional and material needs, said Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. They delight in a world without soccer practice, PTA meetings or Elmo songs. They travel on a whim and enjoy nights out without finding a baby sitter. Careers become paramount.

Joe Schum, 41, for instance, doubts he could have started his real estate management business with little ones to worry about. Plus, he wanted a Harley.

"If we had kids, we wouldn't be able to take the risk of starting a new business," said 41-year-old Deb Schum. "I would have been home with the kids."

The increase in childless couples has spawned network groups. In metro Atlanta, there's No Kidding, a group that formed four years ago and provides a social outlet for its members. Couples with kids often find kinship from other parents at school or soccer matches.

Traci Swartz, a 34-year-old occupational therapist, joined No Kidding to help make friends after moving to Atlanta three years ago with her husband, Jeremy, a 32-year-old computer analyst. For the Swartzes, the urge to have children simply never sparked. "When you don't have children, you are not involved in any activities like a lot of other people, like soccer and ballet," said Traci. No Kidding members talk about pets, travel and other common interests but rarely kids.

"People think we sit around and talk about how we hate kids, but we almost never mention kids," she said.

But even couples without kids aren't entirely without maternal instincts. Owning a beloved pet is a common thread of many no-kids households. Deb Schum dotes on her two bull mastiffs, Homer and Hanna, which get baby sitters every time she leaves town.

"You focus those motherly feelings elsewhere," she said. "For us, our dogs get all that love."

Randall and Karen Heard of Marietta got a springer spaniel named Bentley, who jogs with them and snuggles on the couch. All three are featured on a Christmas card with Santa.

"I have to admit that part of my maternal need has been satisfied through the newest addition to our family, Bentley," Karen said. "He is my buddy and completes our little family."

Decisions questioned

While many childless couples have carved out lifestyles that work for them, they struggle finding acceptance from family and friends. Children may fill fewer households, but the concept of a no-kids family unit baffles many.

Couples without kids say friends and families sometimes make them feel like an outcast, or they dish up unnecessary sympathy. Biting comments are like a throbbing headache. Susan Wills of Powder Springs hears them all the time: You are missing out. You will change your mind. You will regret it. Who will take care of you when you get old?

"I am constantly quizzed, ridiculed and lectured regarding my decision," says Wills, 32, who works in human resources. "People think there is some dark, sinister reason we have chosen not to have children, or assume that one of us has some type of medical problem. They think it's such an oddity."

For many years, Swartz's mother thought she was going through a phase and that eventually she and her husband would change their minds.

"She finally said, 'If you really don't want to have children, I guess some people aren't meant to have kids,' " Schwartz said. "And I thought that was very good."

Laura Goodman, who is childless and lives in Marietta, decided to poke fun at the criticism lobbed at people who pass on kids in a recently self-published humor book, titled "Cheerfully Childless."

"We didn't see any humor book out there on this, and we knew there were people out there who could connect," said the 44-year-old Goodman, who co-owns a design company and uses the pen name of Loretta Gomez as the book's illustrator.

Wanting it all

But some experts don't believe more married couples today are lukewarm toward kids.

Duke University sociology professor Philip Morgan, who specializes in fertility issues, said the dilemma today is that couples want it all -- top jobs, lavish lifestyles and wonderful kids. Often, the decision to have kids is put on hold so a couple can develop their careers.

By the time they decide to have kids, they've hit their 30s. People who try to get pregnant later -- at a higher risk of fertility woes -- are a driving force behind the dwindling birth rates, said Morgan.

"They want the family, the career and lifestyle, and something has to go," Morgan said. Whitehead said it's unclear how many couples are choosing to remain childless vs. the number of couples who really want to have kids but can't because of fertility problems.

What is apparent, according to Whitehead, is that the society is becoming less child-centered. People live longer, have fewer children and spend more years as a single adult.

In the 1800s, when lifestyles and culture dictated larger families, more than three of every four American households had kids. In 2000, less than 33 percent of households included children. In metro Atlanta, children have a stronger presence, as 52 percent of family households have kids.

The Census Bureau projects that, by 2010, with the increase in aging baby boomers and empty-nesters, married couples with children will account for only 20 percent of U.S. households.

There is a heightened awareness about the cost and stress involved in child-rearing, Whitehead said. Only 20 percent of men and women ages 20 to 29 agree the main purpose of marriage is having children, according to the National Marriage Project's 2001 Gallup survey.

"We are moving in the direction where there are many more attractive options for adults, from being single to limiting your family to one child or having no children at all," she said. "You will hear people cite the fact that it costs over $100,000 to raise a child to 18. People didn't used to say that. People see it as much more of a choice than an expected part of being adults in society."

Whitehead is not surprised many married couples without kids expressed high marital satisfaction. Research indicates that marital satisfaction drops after the arrival of children in the home because of the stress and shift in focus of energy. She said the marital satisfaction goes up after the children leave the home after high school. Still, Whitehead said most married couples today want children, despite the challenges and sacrifices.

"Indeed, many couples who confront fertility problems go through grueling medical procedures or long adoption processes in order to become parents," Whitehead said. "The desire of most couples for children is still very strong. The bond between parent and child, especially mother and child, remains one of the most durable and deep human bonds."

Different priorities

While some couples know as teenagers they are averse to having kids, some struggle with the decision. Karen Heard, a 41-year-old educational consultant and former elementary school teacher, always planned on having children. When she was still single in her late 30s, Heard felt a special connection to children. She considered getting a sperm donor and raising a child on her own.

"I used to never understand how someone could not want to have children," she said.

But after marrying Randall last year, her priorities changed. Her life with her new husband made her feel complete. The two travel frequently and make dinner plans at the last minute.

"I enjoy my life with Randall so much I don't feel like I'm missing out by not having kids," she said.

Sometimes, fears about her decision will creep into her head.

"What if something happens to Randall? Then, I'll be alone. Who will take care of me when I get old if I don't have kids," she said. "But I don't let that affect my decision. Anything can happen. I'm going to cherish what I have now."

Karen Heard's family respects her decision but can't help but think what a good mom she would make.

"Karen would be an exceptional mom," says her younger sister Diane Saunders, who lives in California. She is the mother to two young children. "She worked as a teacher and was a surrogate mom to a lot of her students. There was a time in her life when kids ranked high. But Randall and her are so happy, and they have another dimension to their life that includes arts and travel."

Forty-three-year-old Anne Hare of Gainesville also assumed she and her husband would be parents. They married 17 years ago and kept putting off parenthood because they didn't want to jeopardize their on-the-go lifestyle that included rock-climbing trips in Montana. They also enjoy the simpler things, like going to a quiet restaurant at the last minute. And they didn't have a family network here to offer support.

Finally, when Hare was nearing 40, she and her husband made a decision: They would not try to have kids.

"Having kids changes your life, and you are no longer in charge of your schedule," said Hare, a program coordinator for three gyms in Hall County. "And I thought I would have this burning urge. But that urge never grew in me to really have them."