Childless By Choice

Social groups unite singles, couples who prefer no children

By Shauna Scott Rhone & Leslie Fulbright
April 25, 2003

Jerry Steinberg prefers documentaries to cartoons. He likes spontaneous walks at midnight, sleeping in late and relaxing to classical music when he comes home from work.

"The last thing I want is to get pounced on when I walk in the door," said the 57-year-old Vancouver, B.C., man, who, for many reasons, decided nearly 30 years ago that he never wanted children.

The choice left him overwhelmed with loneliness, so on a whim, he placed an ad in a local paper seeking other childless singles and couples. Soon after, he started No Kidding!, a social club and support group for non-parents.

It's been 19 years, and the calls haven't stopped. There are now nearly 10,000 members in 82 chapters in four countries - Canada, the United States, South Korea and the Ivory Coast.

No Kidding! boomed after it launched a Web site in the '90s( nokidding.net) and continues to grow with the number of childless, which doubled in the States from 1990 to 2000.

The growing popularity of the child-free movement has membership climbing. There are now numerous Web sites for non-parents - such as Child Free By Choice, No Rugrats, To Breed or Not to Breed, and Brats - but No Kidding! seems to be the prime choice for those who want to fill a social void rather than just rant online. Though membership is rising, those who choose not to reproduce say there are drawbacks to being in a child-free club - like being called cold, lonely and unfulfilled by a society many believe is obsessed with kids.

"Any healthy culture is child-centric because the future rests on our children," says Allan Carlson, a fellow at the Family Research Council, an advocacy and research center in Washington, D.C. "These (No Kidding!) people are copping out on the future, refusing to accept the standard obligation for responsible membership in our society. I would describe them as childish, immature and irresponsible."

Such comments make some No Kidding! members guarded about discussing their choice. Others, such as Rhonda Dossenbach, 38, of Norwood are outspoken, hoping publicity will bring more members - or at least let other childfree people know they are not alone.

Earlier this year , Dossenbach started a Cincinnati area chapter, which has 20 members from their 20s to late 40s. In comparison, the No Kidding! chapter in Seattle is two years old and has twice as many members.

Reasons for joining vary. A few members are fence-sitters who haven't firmly decided whether to have kids. Some are concerned about overpopulation. Others, unable to conceive, were tired of being asked by family and friends whether they were pregnant yet. Most members, though, are certain they don't want any.

Dossenbach says her story is similar to that of No Kidding's founder. "As I got older, I realized I was losing friends to marriage and family," she says. "So, in an attempt to get out more, I started looking for activities with other people who didn't have children."

She found out about No Kidding! on the Internet and decided to start a chapter here.

Local members say they're relieved to find a place where they won't feel stigmatized, where their choice is greeted with warmth, not disappointment - where they won't be labeled for a position they deliberated.

Local chapter member Dawn Klingensmith says she discussed her feelings on remaining childless with her "significant other," Ben Perna, after the start of their now eight-year relationship.

"I let him know that I was not interested in having children," says Klingensmith, 26, of Dayton, "and, if that was a desire that he had, it would not be a good idea to pursue a relationship."

After moving to Ohio three years ago, Klingensmith read about No Kidding! in a Yahoo! Internet newsgroup. She joined the Cincinnati chapter as soon as it was approved, making the 40-minute trip from Dayton for meetings and events. She says she enjoys being with people who share her interests and philosophy.

Steinberg's views on the subject are a little bit more frank.

"I wanted to talk on the phone without hearing, 'He hit me' or 'Where's the peanut butter?' " says the group's founding non-father. "I wanted people who could meet in an hour - not 'A week from Friday, if the kids are better, and I have a sitter and some cash.' I wanted people who could have a conversation without mentioning runny noses or stool color."

No Kidding! chapters get together several times a month to build bridges, talk about adult things and get validation from others like them. The groups host an array of activities, including roller-skating, skydiving, laser tag, pet shows, wine-and-cheese parties, meteor watching and demolition derby.

The Cincinnati chapter plans social events and meets on the last Saturday of each month. There is also a chapter in Columbus (Web site). For more information, call 235-6481; e-mail cincinnati@nokidding.net or join their Yahoo group at groups.yahoo.com/group/nokiddingcincinnati