Childless by Choice

As more people decide not to have babies, they deal with flack from others

by Mekeisha Madden
October 26, 2004

When it comes not having children, Andrea Elkins considers the word "selfish" a badge of honor.

Her nearly seven-year marriage with husband Shawn Patterson is enriched with good careers, a nice home and three loving dogs -- Ruger, Jordan and Zusa. There is no need for little ones, she says, and if that means she's selfish, so be it.

"We're both responsible enough to know that we don't want to have children we would later resent," says the 31 year old who lives in Redford Township. Her husband is 36. "Our decision is partially financial and partially emotional.

"We know what it takes to be good parents, and it's not in us."

Be it choice, chance or happenstance, more and more women are deciding not to procreate.

The Centers For Disease Control and Prevention reports that reproduction rates among American women are on a steady decline. The rate fell 3 percent to 2,013 babies born per 1,000 women in 2002 from 2,081 in 1990. In the 1960s, 3,654 children were born per 1,000 women.

While the statistics are changing, the perceptions people have of those, particularly women, who don't have children are often cloaked in the mores from 40 years ago, say child-free social groups such as No Kidding, a 20-year-old international club for couples and singles, based in Vancouver, British Columbia.

When couples, and even singles, choose not to have children, their family and friends assume someone has a prohibitive medical condition or they don't like children. Both unfair assumptions, says Elkins, 1 of the 30 members in No Kidding's Metro Detroit chapter. The group prefers the term "childfree" because "childless" implies something is missing, No Kidding members say.

Margo E. Williams loves children, but says she never had them because she never met the right man and got married. A self-described old-fashioned romantic, Williams never wanted to take on parenthood alone. She lives in Southfield with her mixed-breed cats, Kitty 1 and Kitty 2.

"My mother still gives me a hard time," says Williams, president and CEO of Margo E. Williams & Associates Inc., a public relations firm in Detroit. "She says, "I thought I was going to have grandkids.' And I tell her, "You do. You have two grand kitties.' "

Meanwhile, groups such as Christian-based Focus on the Family, a Colorado Springs, Colo., group, says parenthood is a character-building spiritual rite of passage that people should experience, if they can.

Anyone doing a cost analysis will find reasons not to have children, says Steve Watters, senior director for Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family. But his organization "encourages people to think about the short- and long-term benefits of having children when making a decision," he says.

"The financial gain does not compare to what having children does for your spirit and character," Watters says. "When you have children, you're contributing to the community and society as a whole. These are future leaders and teachers. These are the people creating social security benefits for us when we get old.

"If the childless movement grows, who will pay for our social security?"

Childfree vs. childless

Madelyn Cain, a mother and author of "The Childless Revolution: What It Means to Be to Childless Today" (Perseus Books, $15), says people who don't have children have convincing arguments they are not using to their advantage.

"The term "childfree' is too cute and "childless' is too tragic," says Cain, during a phone interview from Los Angeles. "With both, people are still defined by the word "child.' The words are indicative of the people who use them."

Cain, who interviewed more than 100 women, says her book gave a voice to an often ignored segment of society.

"No Kidding uses "childfree,' but here is a group that has legitimate arguments about work loads, taxes and all the other injustices that are heaped on people without children. Groups like Focus on the Family are too far-reaching and aggressive in the other direction."

Ellen Metter, author of "Cheerfully Childless: The Humor Book for Those Who Hesitate to Procreate" (Browser Press, $10.99), says having children is not for everyone. People should lighten up when it comes to producing progeny, she says.

"Some people are madly in love with children and some people hate them. These are the people who call parents "breeders,' " Metter says by phone from her Denver home. "But most people who don't have children, like me, find joy in their nieces and nephews. And when the visit is done, they get to go home and everybody is happy."

In "Cheerfully Childless," Metter says people shouldn't have children if they "consider a Happy Meal to be any meal that includes a dry martini" or if "seeing a tiny baby reminds you that you need to defrost a chicken."

Metter drew on her own experiences and turned annoying comments into jokes.

"When I wrote the book, I just wanted to have fun," Metter says. "There were so many serious books on the subject. Yes, parenthood is a huge responsibility, but not becoming a parent is not a big deal."

"I still get, "It's not too late!' " Metter says. "I thought I was free from those comments after I turned 40, but I'm 45 and and I still get "It's not too late!' "

Elkins says she can relate.

"I tell people right away that this is a choice, before they assume," says Elkins. No Kidding allows her and other members to vent about the comments that co-workers and acquaintances are quick to make.

"People say things like, "You'll change your mind,' " Elkins says. "But if they knew me, they would know how stubborn I am. I've known since the age of 18 that I didn't want to have children.

"I might've changed my mind if I would have fallen in love with someone who wanted children, but I fell in love with someone who feels the same way I do."

Elkins says she is relieved that her mother doesn't demand grandchildren.

Williams isn't so lucky, and other people also have annoyed her through the years.

"People have asked if I have children and when I tell them I don't, I get a look of pity and silence," she says. "And then they say, "At least you have free time.' But I don't have free time. That's why I'm not married and don't have kids."

Perhaps the constant barrage of comments is working. These days, Williams, who doesn't reveal her age, is considering adoption.

"My late father used to tease me and say I should adopt a child who can open their own can of food. That's still an option," Williams says.

Shelley St. Amand of Farmington Hills and his wife have been married for 10 years. Members of No Kidding, they have chosen not to procreate.

Shelley St. Amand says he hates being hassled about their choice, but has a snappy reply: "If they want to know why we're not having kids, I use an answer I stole from comedian Joy Behar (ABC's "The View"). I say, 'Because I see how yours turned out."