The No Kidding Story

by the Founding Non-Father Jerry Steinberg
August 1, 2006

I made a bunch of ChildFree friends - NO KIDDING !!

Until the age of 23 or 24, I had every intention of getting married and having several kids, but being six and eight years older than my brother and sister, respectively (older children often help their parents raise younger siblings), baby-sitting for neighbors; being a camp counselor; teaching, and having had relationships with several single mothers made it clear to me that, even though I truly like children, I wasn’t really parent material.

If I had wanted children, I would have adopted (instead of adding to the planet’s overpopulation problem), and I would have wanted my children to turn out just like my nieces and nephews, who are all intelligent, gentle, athletic, kind, musical, thoughtful, funny, respectful, obedient, loving, and everything else good parents want their children to be.

Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies

I had to visit three doctors before I finally found one who was willing to give me a vasectomy. The first told me that I was too young to have one, and to come back in ten years. I told him that most people have had several kids by the time they were my age, and asked him why 34 was too young to choose not to have kids, but not too young to have several. He didn’t get it!

The second refused to perform a vasectomy on someone who wasn’t married, and told me to get married and to return with my wife.

The third said, “But you don’t have any children yet. Come back after you’ve had some kids.” I replied, “By then it’ll be too late!”

The fourth interrogated me for more than fifteen minutes. I asked him if he would have had so many questions if, instead of wanting a vasectomy, I had announced that I planned to have ten kids. He paused a while, and then answered, “No, probably not.” I retorted, “Who am I hurting by having none?” And then I asked, “Which will have a stronger impact on me, my wife, society and the planet? And which is more permanent?”

After much reflection, he finally said, “You’re absolutely right. How’s three weeks from next Wednesday?” (I had my vasectomy on Valentine’s Day, no less!)

I am often asked whether I have any regrets about getting a vasectomy. My only regret is that I didn’t get it sooner.

Dating

I discovered that very little can truncate a first date faster than the answer “None” to the question “How many kids do you want to have?” if the questioner wants children. Also, I found that my interest in any woman fizzled the moment I learned that she either had kids or planned to. After age thirty, it was next to impossible to find single women who didn’t already have, or who didn’t plan to have, children.

Children Can Be A Deal-Breaker

I was married for five years, until Sharon decided that she wanted children after all, and we reluctantly went our separate ways. We respected each other enough not to try to prevail upon the other; we also knew that if one succeeded in convincing the other, it would probably result in dissatisfaction with the life that one had been forced into, and animosity against the other. She has since remarried and is the happy, but exhausted, mother of two; and we are still good friends. I, too, have remarried, and my wife and I have a cat and two dogs.

Sharon and I were able to find a compromise on every matter that arose – whether it was which restaurant we went to, who would do which chores, or where we lived. Unfortunately, the issue of children offers no compromise. One would have been too many for me, and none wouldn’t have been enough for her.

Losing Friends and Making New ChildFree Friends

By the time I reached my mid-30s, most of my friends had married, and the vast majority of them had a kid or two or three. It had become increasingly difficult – often impossible – to connect with them; it was always an inconvenient time to call – out shopping for the kids, taking child A to soccer practice, picking kid B up from piano lessons, at swimming class with kid C, feeding the kids, getting the kids ready to go out, bathing the kids, getting the kids ready for bed, etc., and they promised to return the call at a more opportune time (often, weeks later). If we tried to carry on a conversation, it was constantly interrupted by the kids. Getting together with them proved almost unachievable – they were either too tired, too busy, too broke, or all three, to do anything, or they couldn't get a babysitter.

I discovered that I was losing them to their wives, husbands and especially their children. They were working day and night just to make ends meet, and their family life was quite hectic, as well. They simply no longer had room in their lives for me. They were making new friends through their children’s activities, while I saw my pool of friends drying up. I felt that I needed some new childfree friends who could chat on the phone for half an hour without thirty interruptions, could talk about things other than kids, could be spontaneous, had the money, time and energy to do the things we enjoy doing, and whose lives didn’t revolve around children. I quite like children, but I don’t feel that I have to have my own to make my life complete; in fact, if I had kids, my life would be too full. I chose a career that revolves around kids (teaching), I love being with my young nieces and nephews, and I borrow friends’ kids from time to time – whenever I need a “kid fix.”

I contacted the sociology departments of all the local universities, scoured the main branch of the public library, and called Information Vancouver, looking for a social club for childfree couples and singles (please remember that this was in 1983, before the advent of the Internet), but there was no such club. There were clubs for single mothers, for single fathers, for parents with terrible toddlers, and for parents with troubled teenagers, but none for folks who don’t have children. I determined that I could either wait for someone to start such a club (and hope that I heard about it), or I could start one myself. I decided that I just couldn’t justify waiting for someone else to take the initiative – I had the need, and I had to act to satisfy that need.

I felt that I had to come up with a name for the club for people with no kids, and “NO KIDDING!” was the first name that came to mind. The second name that I thought of was “APPARENTLY NOT,” but since “NO KIDDING!” is so much more common in everyday conversation, I decided to use it. I also dreamed up a few acronyms, but they all seemed contrived, at best. Every time I hear someone say “No kidding!” in response to something surprising (as in “She’s got five kids and she’s only twenty- six.” “No kidding!”), or to confirm what someone has said (“It’s pretty hot today!” “Yeah, no kidding!”), I feel like thanking them for the free publicity.

NO KIDDING! has been very good to me. I have made some close friends through the club (I have been best buddies with one of them since 1985), I have participated in numerous enjoyable activities that I, otherwise, probably wouldn't have considered, and I met my wife through NO KIDDING!

NO KIDDING! has been a phenomenal success! Back in 1984, I had no idea if it would ever take off, but we currently have about 10,000 members in 94 chapters in five countries, and people all over the world know about us as a result of well over 3,000 interviews we've done for radio, television, newspapers, Internet sites and magazines worldwide. I still have to pinch myself often. Our largest chapter, Chicago, boasts over 300 members, while most others average around 100, depending on how long they've been established and the size of the general population in the area, with 10 to 40 people attending most activities.

When you come to a NO KIDDING! activity (such as a hike, restaurant or pot-luck dinner, bowling, movie, canoeing, games night, professional sports event, dancing, and lots more), you'll meet a bunch of childfree couples and singles, in their 20s to 80s, who are interested in what you do for a living, what you do for fun, what your political and social views are, what movies you've seen, what books you've read, etc. -- people who think you're perfectly normal for not having children, and people who want to be your friends.

We have had a convention every year for the past five years. So far, they've been held in Las Vegas, NV; New Orleans, LA; Seattle, WA; Philadelphia, PA; and Toronto, ON. It's been wonderful meeting members from near and distant chapters, and every convention has been a lot of fun for all the attendees, with a wide variety of enjoyable activities. The NO KIDDING! conventions have also received local, national, and international media coverage.

The Vancouver, BC chapter and the Seattle, WA chapter have had several joint pot- luck picnics in Peace Arch Park, which straddles the border between British Columbia, Canada and Washington State, in the USA. In addition to enjoying interesting and delicious food, we played Frisbee, nerf football, and just sat around chatting and laughing, and of course, taking photos.

For more information about NO KIDDING!, or to find or start a chapter near you, please visit the NO KIDDING! website at www.nokidding.net.

You're gonna love making new childfree friends!