Advice for Fencesitters

By Jerry Steinberg
January 02, 2003

Hi Everyone,

I often get e-mail, asking for advice to help people make up their minds as to whether or not they should have kids. Of course, I can't make the decision for them, but I can certainly help them find information that will, hopefully, guide them in the right direction.

I sent the following to the most recent inquirer...

I suggest that you go to childfree.net for a fairly comprehensive reading list.

Additionally, I usually advise the following:

Environmental considerations aside...

At least 20 times a day for at least a week, ask yourself, "How would having a child change what I am doing right now?" Ask it when you wake up, when you eat, when you talk on the phone, when you exercise, when you go to the bathroom, when you relax, when you go to bed, etc.

Then determine whether most of the changes would be welcome or resented.

Then, you should also consider the possibility of a physically and/or mentally challenged child and/or raising the child by yourself.

It might also help if you associate with others who don't have children (such as by joining your local NO KIDDING! chapter), so that you can see that people can have very full, rewarding lives without children of their own.

Either way -- GOOD LUCK! It's the most important and most irrevocable decision you'll ever make in your life, and you are wise to invest a lot of time, energy and thought into it.

You asked, "...what if he's right and I eventually resent him for not having a child genetically my own?" Well, I must say that if you're going to regret your decision -- either way -- it's better to regret not having kids than have them and resent them. You can always adopt, become a foster parent, teach, volunteer in a daycare, babysit your friends' kids, etc. You can't, however, give your kids back once you have them.