Childless by choice

A growing number of couples are opting out of parenthood

by Beth Macy
March 27, 2006

She was never one to play with dolls. Unlike most of her girlfriends -- who goo-goo-ga-ga-ed at the sight of babies -- she simply wasn't wired with the maternal gene.

Laura Scott says she knew by the age of 15 that motherhood would never be for her. "I've been Ortho-Novum's No. 1 customer for a very long time," the 44-year-old said, referring to the popular birth control pill.

Not that long ago, the expectation was that women married and had children in that order. But Scott and her husband, Robert, represent a growing number of couples who are opting out of parenthood, a movement known as child-free or, as the Roanoke County freelance writer prefers to call it, childless by choice.

In 1976, according to U.S. Census reports, 10 percent of women aged 40 to 44 were childless. In 2002, that figure was 18 percent -- or nearly one in five.

Amid friends, families and even strangers, it can be an unpopular position. Over the course of interviewing 139 voluntarily childless adults in the United States and Canada, Scott has heard all manner of criticism of the childless, from probing in-laws who insist they are "just being selfish" to Catholics and evangelical Christians who insist they are "thwarting God's will."

Several childless couples refused to be interviewed by Scott, citing their worry that fallout from the exposure might hurt their standing in the business community.

"When you say you're child-free, there's an assumption that you don't like children, or that the decision was sort of easy; that it's like sugar-free: You can have your cake and eat it, too," she said. "Or you're marginalized because you don't have kids and must therefore be infertile.

"You have to justify your existence as nonparents."

Scott was so fascinated by the intense reaction people had to the topic that three years ago she embarked on a research project. She hopes to write a book and produce a documentary on the slow-growing trend, financing most of the travel and research time herself (though she was recently awarded a sponsorship from the Southern Documentary Fund).

"We're not assimilating childless couples into our social fabric very well," she said. "I want people to be more aware of the issue, and to know that they do have a choice."

Still socially stigmatized

According to a 2003 National Marriage Project study, nearly 70 percent of Americans disagreed with the statement that "the main purpose of marriage is having children." Yet, even with the advent of birth control, most marrying couples still envision a future as parents.

"I agree that children are God's blessing, but it was not our desire," said Roanoke County's Michelle Gereaux-Karim, adding that she and her husband, Naji, discussed the matter ad nauseum before they married 15 years ago. They did have a caveat, however, an understanding that if they didn't change their minds by the time Michelle turned 30, one of them would make the decision permanent via sterilization.

"I would imagine that we've had more discussions about not having children than most people with children" have had about parenthood, said Gereaux-Karim, 38 and one of Scott's interviewees.

Though she and her husband, a restaurant manager, have never regretted their decision to remain childless, they say they've paid a price socially for their decision.

"Is there a medical problem?" friends ask.

And: "But you love your dogs so much; don't you think you'd love a child even more?"

Gereaux-Karim, who operates a pet-sitting and -walking service, got so fed up with the questions that she stopped attending baby showers, though she still sends gifts ("I'm not anti-baby."). With most of their friends now firmly entrenched in parenthood -- and not as readily able to socialize beyond their kids' schedules -- their social circle has changed significantly.

"It's become kind of a void," she said. "We've found it easier to be friends with older couples, actually."

Though there's no such group in Roanoke, Gereaux-Karim is familiar with the growing number of organizations for childless couples. One group is called "No Kidding!" and offers a bumper sticker that reads "If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat."

Asked about her hopes for Scott's project, she added: "That people will stop looking at people who are married for a long time and don't have kids as an oddity. We're just normal people like everyone else."

Snooze-button ability

Many assume that couples remain childless so they can sleep late on Saturdays or dine out whenever they want. According to Scott's research, those freedoms may be the benefits of being childless but they're not the primary motivators.

Many of the voluntarily childless say they lack maternal/paternal instincts and believe that it's morally wrong to risk a pregnancy if they're not able to happily welcome a child into their lives.

Scott's interviewees underscored the research of Westminster College sociologist Kristin Park, whose studies show that people who are childless by choice tend to be primarily white and college-educated, in high-income brackets and more unconventional than most. Couples who choose to remain child-free have also reported the highest levels of marital satisfaction among all couples.

Some economists worry about what the trend could mean in terms of society's ability to support an aging population with fewer workers paying into Social Security, for instance. But some environmentalists argue that having smaller families is one key to reducing our environmental footprint on the Earth.

"We're at a point in the evolution of a society that we need to address the fact that we do have a decision whether or not to have kids," said the Canadian-born Scott.

A former productivity consultant for businesses, she routinely flies to meet her husband, who travels abroad frequently for his job as manager of a Rocky Mount company. Thirteen years his junior, she broached the subject of remaining child-free on their second date. "He said that he was so tied up in his career that having kids just wasn't on his radar."

They live in a comfortable Hunting Hills ranch house, which for resale purposes they had built as a four-bedroom -- "even though we only live in about half of it," she said. They're in the process of researching long-term care insurance.

"The alleged big threat hanging over you is that you'll be a lonely, miserable old lady in a house full of cats dying alone in a shower one day because no one will find you when you fall," Scott said.

"I'm sorry, but having someone to take care of me in old age is not a compelling enough reason to have children," she added. "My friends think I'm missing out, and maybe I am.

"But my code of ethics tells me: In the absence of desire for a child, there really isn't a choice."

Do you want to participate in Scott's Childless by Choice research? Call her at 314-3077.