Defending the child-free lifestyle

By Sam McManis
July 27, 2003

It is 5:30 on a Monday night. Doug and Sally Thomae, married working professionals, kick back at their home in a leafy Sacramento subdivision and ponder evening options. They could do anything or nothing, depending on their moods -- movie, restaurant, club or just chill. It's up to them. Their two dogs need to be walked; that's the only obligation. The couple seems utterly relaxed, sipping ice water on the couch.

The unusual thing about this scene is what is not seen or heard.

Here are a couple in their early 40s, and they aren't rushing from work to the day care center in fear of having to pay a late fee. They aren't debating which spouse will shuttle Junior to swim practice and pick up a Happy Meal for him on the way. They don't have the cacophony of SpongeBob SquarePants cartoons blaring in the background. They don't scrub crayon marks off the walls, mediate festering sibling disputes, doggedly police the use of their Internet connection or dodge Lego pieces strewn on the carpeting.

"But you might," Sally says, laughing, "step on a doggie chew toy."

The Thomaes, you see, have no children. They planned it that way. They are child-free by choice, and they love it.

"I don't know how they do it," she added. "People come home exhausted from work and then have to deal with kids. Doug and I have an understanding of how much work it is to have children, and we chose not to do it."

So comfortable are the Thomaes with their decision that last year they began the Sacramento chapter of No Kidding!, a support group and social club for avowed non-spawners. In San Francisco, where dogs outnumber children, according to the 2000 census, the No Kidding! chapter boasts 60 members and is growing in popularity, according to its leader, Stacey Roberts-Ohr of Oakland.

An international organization with 10,000 members in 86 chapters spanning five countries, No Kidding! fills a void for those child-free people who feel they have become a maligned minority, says Jerry Steinberg, a Vancouver, B.C., man who started the group in 1984. It takes no political positions, but wants to give voice to those who feel the world revolves around children -- and those who breed them.

"I hear from a lot of people that parents have a sense of entitlement and preferential treatment in the workplace, in restaurants and with tax credits and school bonds measures," Steinberg said. "When you think about it, the government is bribing people to populate the planet. Have kids, get a tax break."

Politics aside, it really is a lifestyle choice not to bear children, say child-free activists. Most do not begrudge parents their right to bear children and dote upon them, but they say they feel alienated from what they call a "kid-centric culture."

My husband and I are selfish with our time," said Roberts-Ohr of San Francisco No Kidding! "We like to spend our time together. Is there anything wrong with that? I think it's kind of a waste of time for us to have to defend ourselves."

The child-free (they consider the term "childless" demeaning) seem split into two factions -- those who like other people's kids but don't want their own, and those who are annoyed by kids because they act, well, juvenile.

Doug and Sally Thomae belong to the first group. Both say they have fun visiting their nieces and nephews but are happy that they can go home with just each other at the end of the day.

"We have good insight from watching relatives and knowing what it takes to raise kids, all the time and financial resources and everything," Doug said. "It's great that they have that dedication. It just didn't seem the right thing for us."

Those in the second group, the ones put off by children, aren't shy about making their feelings known.

"I admit that I don't like children," said Yvonne Kucher, 48, of San Jose, who had a tubal ligation at age 31. "I don't feel comfortable around them. I find them loud and annoying. I've had to tell people at work that when they talk and talk and talk about their kids, that I'm just not interested. And then they'll bring them into work and disrupt you. Sometimes I'll hide from them to avoid an encounter."

Nancy Mendelssohn, 44, grew up on the Peninsula as an only child and said she never acclimated to a child-centered environment.

"People automatically assume that you just want to be around their kids," she said. "In restaurants, they really bother me -- the screaming, the running around, the bad table manners. When I go swimming, I don't like the yelling and throwing things in the pool. Maybe it's not so much the kids, but the parents who don't rein them in, and think everything they do are cute."

Child-free people often hear the s-word -- selfish -- spoken about them.

"There's nothing wrong with thinking of yourself," Sally Thomae said. "It's very selfish of some people to have children. They have them for selfish reasons. They want a little form of themselves out in the world."

Candy Lake, head of the No Kidding! chapter in Charlotte, N.C., a city she describes as militantly pro-family, says she and her husband, Bill, have been ridiculed publicly because they dared to speak about the issue. "People in the local newspapers have called us 'selfish pleasure mongers,' " Lake said. " Hell, yes, I'm a pleasure monger. I don't apologize for enjoying my life."

Freedom is the big payoff for the child-free. They have time to pursue interests and devote their full energy to their careers, without having the precarious balancing act working parents juggle

Ron Fariss, 37, is a professional surfer from the Bay Area who has quelled any latent paternal feelings so that he can concentrate on his sport. He says his friends in their 40s are all going the fatherhood route. But he has balked.

"I could still have a good life, be around good people and have fun times without kids," he said. "I don't think I'd feel that my life was empty. Some buddies of mine, it tears them up that they didn't go the picket-fence-and- family route. But you have to give up a lot of freedom with kids. But then again, if I met the right girl, I might change my mind."

Others will not be so easily swayed.

"My husband and I come and go as we please," said Cynthia Marshall Schuman, 40, of Mountain View. "I think not having kids has allowed us to be closer than we might have been otherwise. Aaron (her husband) and I are very, very close and have time to talk and pay attention to each other in a way that having kids will not allow."

Child-free people say friends abandon them as soon as a baby comes along.

"I've lost a lot of girlfriends over this issue," Roberts-Ohr said. "We don't have that connection anymore. It's really sad, but I'm resigned to it."

San Francisco's No Kidding! chapter has had monthly outings at blues clubs, bonfires on Baker Beach and fancy dinners, Roberts-Ohr said

"One thing we know," Mendelssohn said, "is that no one will bring any kids, so we can actually have adult conversations."