Childless adults here find fun by association
By Eun-KyungNovember 3, 2003
Martha Kneib never liked kids. Even as a child, she preferred hanging out with adults. But Kneib felt pressure from her family, and society, to have children.
"When I got married, it was like, how long can I put this off?" said the Florissant writer.
To her relief, Kneib's husband didn't want kids either. But soon, they noticed their social circle dwindling. They started losing friends to nap schedules, soccer games, family-friendly restaurants, even other parents.
Seeking others like herself, Kneib started the St. Louis chapter of No Kidding! - a club for adults without children.
One of 90 chapters worldwide, the group held its first meeting at Kneib's home in January 2001. It has since met once a month for dinner, although any given weekend offers some type of informal gathering.
The club is strictly social. Members have visited wineries in Augusta, spent evenings at the Improv, rafted down the Meramec River, even taken sky diving lessons. And because they generally have more disposable income and looser schedules than people with children, they can meet at a moment's notice, whether for dinner or a weekend getaway.
Kneib stressed that while most members have decided not to have kids, others have yet to rule them out. Whatever the reason, the group doesn't make it an issue.
"It's not that we sit around and bash kids, it's just that we don't talk about kids," said Cari Mahoney, a first-grade teacher.
Kneib and Mahoney are among a record number of women without children, according to a new Census Bureau report. A June 2002 survey found that 26.7 million girls and women ages 15 to 44 are childless. That represents nearly 44 percent of women in that age group.
Avis Jones-DeWeever of the Institute for Women's Policy Research, a Washington think tank, said more young women enter the work force knowing the huge economic and personal impact children can have on careers.
"One can now choose not to have a family with less and less social condemnation that may have been more commonplace a few years ago, when a woman's role was seen primarily as a caregiver," she said.
Mahoney said she and her husband never consciously decided against having children when they got married 12 years ago.
"There was a time when we talked about it, and decided, 'No, we're not ready.' And then it just continued to be 'no, no, no.' We were having too much fun," said Mahoney, 34, who lives in a Columbia, Ill., subdivision filled with children.
"I love kids. I love my job. All I ever wanted to be was a teacher," she said. "But I like that at the end of the day, I have time for myself without having to continue to nurture children into the evening."
Like Mahoney, Dan Sutton lacked a defining moment in his decision to be child-free, but for a number of years, his wife's academic career left little time for children.
"It eventually got to the point we just decided, 'We're doing fine without kids,'" said Sutton, 47, a data processor from Webster Groves. "We have a number of friends who have kids who were willing to share them with us and we could interact with them, so it just never became a priority for us."
More career men and women are feeling torn over the decision to raise a family, said sociologist Charles Marske. Manyinitially assume they want children, he said.
"Then they sit down and start thinking, 'I'm making enough salary and I'm enjoying life. If I go down the other road, what happens to my standard of living, what happens to my free time?' as well as, 'Can I really move forward in my career the way I imagined?'" said Marske, who heads St. Louis University's sociology and criminal justice department. "These are very real conflicts. Children cost a lot of money."
Marske said it also helps that society no longer is so quick to attach stigmas to "unconventional" individuals, such as people who do not get married or have children.
"Social norms are not nearly as homogeneous as they once were in American society," he said.
No Kidding! members range in age from mid-20s to mid-50s. Many have become close friends, meeting outside the club and even going on vacations together.
Heather Clark-Evans, 29, a personal assistant in Maryland Heights, learned about No Kidding! over a month ago and is eager to attend her first gathering. She said she often feels ostracized for not wanting children. People have reacted to her decision with indifference, pity and sometimes outright hostility, she said.
She remembered going to the St. Louis Zoo last year and securing a good spot to watch the sea lion feeding. At one point,she moved aside to let in a little girl - whose mother apparently wanted a better view as well.
"She said, 'You don't have a child - move!'" Clark-Evans recalled.
Child-free individuals cite other ways they feel discrimination. They point to tax credits available only to parents, and the way they pick up the slack for co-workers slipping out of work early because of kids. And many companies impose hefty health insurance premiums on couples whether they have children or not.
But No Kidding! members do not begrudge their friends with children. They just ask that people respect their choice.
Sutton wants to dispel the idea that people who decided against having children are selfish or unpatriotic. Is it any less selfish to have a child so that someone can carry on the family name, or have someone take care of them later in life? he asked. Many people have children simply because that's what their parents did, he said.
"I don't care whether people have two kids or 10, as long as they can support them and do it for the right reasons," he said.
Medical problems prevented Julie Lutz, 34, from having children. "Otherwise, I would have had four or five," she said.
Lutz, who has gone to the Dominican Republic and Mexico with her No Kidding! friends, compares the club to church.
"When you go to church, you're going to have those people who are real extreme, and then you're going to have those people that just go on Sunday to go," she said. "Everybody has their own reason."