Parents vs. Non-Parents @ Work

A new USA WEEKEND poll explores an unspoken workplace taboo: the growing resentment over special treatment for parents

By Julia Lawlor
March 2000

Once, at a previous job, she was told not to take a cruise she'd planned when it became clear it conflicted with vacations planned by parents during school vacation. "I went anyway," says Copeland, 36. "I had tickets. I had put in for the time off. When I got back, I was called selfish by the people with kids." It got worse, Copeland continues. She saw child-free workers reprimanded for being three minutes late, while parents "could come in whenever they wanted." When she complained, one office manager pointed out she didn't have a family -- that is, an acceptable excuse for tardiness. "That hurt," she says. Copeland also believes the generous six-week paid maternity leave offered by her present employer is "grossly unfair."

"What if I want to take a college course or join the Peace Corps?'' she asks. "How about me getting paid for that? That's equality."

But to Janet Bunting, 43, a part-time secretary with two young children who works for Copeland, "It works both ways. I also pick up the slack for people who have to be away from the office for personal appointments, whether they have kids or not."

Welcome to the new workplace war, family-style. Now that benefits such as flex time and miscellaneous emergency family time (sick kids, teacher conferences, soccer games, school vacations, etc.) have become a way of life in America's offices, making day-to-day events a bit more bearable for working parents, many non-parents feel left in the dust. The unwritten code in these new family-friendly benefits and breaks, they say: Only parents need apply. An exclusive USA WEEKEND poll conducted in December shows that beneath the family-friendly veil, resentment is brewing:

4 in 10 working adults say they've heard a co-worker complain about parents getting a break at work with better schedules, responsibilities or expectations.

6 in 10 say parents get a better deal when it comes to leaving work on time.

3 in 10 believe it's unfair of employers to offer special benefits such as scholarships, day care and help with adoption that only some workers can use.

And a little wake-up call to parents who occasionally bring their child to work on a snow day or holiday: 1 in 3 workers find it a distraction.

And the resentment is even more acute among younger people -- single, childless workers are the fastest-growing segment of the workforce -- who value self-directed activities outside the office more than their work-obsessed boomer elders do. The poll found that more than a third of those under 35 say parent-targeted benefits are unfair, compared with just a quarter of 35- to 54-year-olds.

Kevin and Barbara Beaudin of Pittsburgh, who made a decision long ago not to have kids, often feel they're shouldering at least some of the burden of raising other people's offspring.

Kevin, a 42-year-old federal aviation-safety inspector, believes his health plan at work is unfair: Childless couples pay the same for coverage as do couples with several children. For many years, Barbara, 38, chief financial officer for a health-care provider, spent more time than she wanted away from her husband because her former employer sent childless workers on out-of-town assignments to give parents more time at home with their kids. Now, she says, the same parents who balked at traveling and staying late for meetings complain they're unfairly passed over for promotions.

"The assumption is that if you have a young kid, you're a member of a privileged class," says Kevin Beaudin. "Having children is an expensive choice, and I don't like paying for other people's choices in life."

In today's workplace, benefits once considered wishful thinking by frazzled parents with unsympathetic bosses are now standard fare, as employers compete for talent in a labor-short market. Outside the office, politicians are courting soccer moms with bigger family tax breaks, new unemployment benefits and "pro-family" legislation.

Amen, say workplace experts.

"If we don't allow parents the time and energy to do a good job at parenting, what's going to happen to the future of our country?" says work-life consultant Alice Freedman in Minneapolis. "If my workplace is not going to allow me to be a good parent, what kind of attitude will I have about work? I will end up tired, stressed and resentful."

The problem is that tired, stressed and resentful is exactly how many non-parents -- a whopping two thirds of all U.S. workers, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics -- feel these days.

Internet chat rooms and Web sites such as the Childfree Association, Thank You for Not Breeding and No Kidding! have sprung up. And a new book making waves, The Baby Boon: How Family-Friendly America Cheats the Childless, argues that pro-parentmania is turning the childless into second-class citizens in a kidcentric society.

"Who is asked to work the worst overtime, the worst holidays, to do the most travel?" asks Baby Boon author Elinor Burkett, a journalist and former history professor who does not have kids. "It's almost always the childless. The notion that we have no lives is embedded in a thousand workplace decisions."

Ask Peter Bradt, 45, a freelance Webmaster from San Francisco who used to work as a newspaper photographer. Filling in for someone who had to leave for a family reason was "fairly common'' in his former job and objecting was fruitless, he says. "It was always, 'Sorry, the work has to get done.' "

Ilene Bilenky, a psychiatric nurse in Littleton, Mass., who has never wanted children, takes her feelings a step further. "I resent family-friendly policies." She believes becoming a parent is a choice that non-parents shouldn't have to pay for. "What I resent most is the sense of entitlement that parents have," says Bilenky, 46. "They expect all this support and adulation. I'm not impressed. Give me some time for my personal interests."

Still, few voice any frustrations. When poll respondents without kids were asked how they felt about parents getting a better deal at work, 84% said they had never gotten angry; only one in 10 said they occasionally got angry. Why the discrepancy? This is a taboo subject in a kid-obsessed society, Burkett believes. "The childless are very, very hesitant to talk publicly about this. People think it will make them sound mean-spirited, like child-haters. But quietly, they talk about how angry they are."

MANY ALSO realize it's often the employer who is to blame for not properly staffing the office when, say, three women are out on maternity leave at once. "Anger is not the right word," says Judy Bradley, 40, a secretarial supervisor for a Washington, D.C., law firm who has found herself working overtime when co-workers had to leave promptly at 5 p.m. to pick up the kids at day care. "I felt resentful. I felt a little dumped on."

The disparities -- and the benefits -- work both ways. The poll results show that people think non-parents have the edge over parents when it comes to pay, promotions, workload and plum assignments. And that overall, neither comes out ahead.

The result: A feeling of unfairness exists in both camps. Ray DeMao, 36, a painter from New Kensington, Pa., says he often works 10-hour days, yet is criticized when he occasionally leaves early to attend one of his two sons' baseball games. "I tell them, 'If you don't like it, too bad. I put my time in here. I didn't have kids to miss out on their childhoods.' "

Legislation proposed by President Clinton is likely to fuel the fires of resentment. The law would make it illegal for employers to discriminate against parents in hiring, firing, pay and promotion. The proposal came about after a single mom in Massachusetts was fired for refusing to work overtime.

"If parents have the legal right to refuse overtime, then the work will be divided among non-parents," warns Burkett. New laws already burden those they don't benefit, holds Burkett, such as the Family and Medical Leave Act, which allows new parents to take a 12-week unpaid parental leave.

While it may seem parents and non-parents are destined to duke it out until the kids are packed off to college, a recent study found there may not be all that much to fight about. Researcher Mary Young made a surprising discovery when she interviewed employees at two corporations in 1998: Parents and non-parents put in the same amount of time on the job, an average of 42.5 hours a week.

• 3 in 5 Americans believe parents get a better deal when it comes to leaving work on time. (Parents and non-parents agree.)



• People think non-parents get a better deal when it comes to pay, promotions and plum assignments.



• 4 in 10 Americans have heard a co-worker complain that parents get a break at work, in terms of schedule, responsibilities or expectations.



• In the last month, 1 in 3 Americans have covered for a co-worker who had to leave work to care for a child. (But only 1 in 10 say it bothered them.)



• 1 in 3 Americans believe kids in the office are a distraction. (Non-parents and parents agree.)



• Nearly 3 in 4 Americans rate their own workplace as pro-family. (Women are more likely to think so than men are.)



• But 3 in 10 Americans believe it's unfair of employers to offer family-friendly benefits only some workers can use.