Child-free by choice

By John Allen
August 9, 2003

It's not that Charles and Nancy Wright don't like kids. They just don't want any of their own.

That doesn't make them bad people, they say, just honest about the lifestyle they've chosen. Still, when they tell some people they don't want children, the first reaction is disbelief, then disapproval, Nancy said.

"People are quick to judge you as selfish," she said. "If some people want to be parents, fine, be parents. But don't get down on people who don't want kids. I'm happy with the way I live my life."

As a couple in their early 30s without children, the Wrights often find themselves the odd ones out in social gatherings, Charles said. Since the lives of most couples their age revolve around children, the Wrights are left out of most conversations, he said.

Finding friends with similar interests has been difficult since they moved to Waco a couple of years ago for jobs at Free Flight Systems, where Charles is a configuration design manager and Nancy is the event coordinator. As a result, Nancy recently founded a local chapter of NO KIDDING!, an international social group for child-free couples and singles.

The group is open to any adult who has never parented, either by choice or inability. Launched in 1984, NO KIDDING! now has more than 10,000 members in 86 chapters worldwide,according to their Web site. The growing organization follows a similar demographic trend in which the percentage of women of childbearing age who define themselves as voluntarily child free is on the rise. According to a 2001 report from American Demographics Magazine, the number rose from 2.4 percent in 1982 to 6.6 percent in 1995. The decision to remain child free was not taken lightly by the Wrights, nor should it be, said Wes Eades, a licensed marriage counselor in Waco. He said he has seen marriages break up over the issue when spouses reach an impasse.

"It's one of the hardest things to counsel people through," Eades said. "Typically, problems arise when one partner changes their mind about having children after they marry. The other partner feels duped because they thought they had a deal going into the marriage. Sometimes promises at the front end are misrepresented."

Eades said most often it is the woman who changes her mind about being purposely childless when she hears the "biological clock" ticking and becomes overwhelmed with what he called the "primal, fundamental urges and feelings" of motherhood. He said the husband has to understand those feelings.

"If you commit to love someone, you just can't say to them, `You can never change your mind' because we're always changing as people," Eades said. "When you are married, you have to honor and understand what your partner wants."

Eades said the flawed logic that having children will bring a rocky marriage closer together is a "fascinating disaster" destined to fail. In today's mostly two-income households, another problem that couples encounter when having children is when it comes time for the wife to return to work after maternity leave, he said.

"Women don't realize how hard that time can be," Eades said. "Some of them can't imagine leaving their child to return to a career and that causes problems because it's not economically feasible for many couples for her to stay home and be a full-time mom."

For some, like 23-year-old Brooke LaMartina, facing that type of dilemma is unimaginable. The Baylor University psychology major said she wants to focus on her career and just can't see herself having any children in the long run.

"That life does not sound appealing to me at all," she said. "I cringe when I hear babies cry. I'd love to be married someday, but marriage does not equal parenthood. I don't think enough people think about that."

----Like-minded views----

LaMartina said she joined the Waco NO KIDDING! group because she'd like to secure friendships with like-minded people and maybe even meet a potential partner who shares her outlook on parenthood.

Baylor professor Preston Dyer, who teaches marriage and family courses and is also a certified marriage enrichment trainer, said times have changed during his 34-year tenure at the Baptist institution. Dyer said informal polls taken in the classroom asking students if their parents would be upset if they decided not to have children have shown that parents are more supportive of that idea than they were in the past. He said economics plays a big part in the changing viewpoint.

"Parents realize it's a different day and age," Dyer said. "There was a time when your house was the biggest financial investment in your lifetime. Now, the largest investment is your children's education, and that affects lifestyle choices."

As for the "selfish" charge leveled at child-free couples, Dyer said research shows otherwise. He said studies have found that parents with children are just as selfish in certain aspects of their lifestyles as are couples without children.

"It's a personal choice for couples to make," Dyer said. "If they decide they don't want to have children, then I certainly don't want them to just because other people think they should."

From a religious standpoint, Dyer said the Roman Catholic faith has always taught that the primary purpose of marriage is to have children. Dyer said that doctrine may have softened somewhat over time but is still prevalent and puts pressure on married couples to procreate.

Charles Wright said he feels pressure from his parents, who want grandchildren. While his mother has gradually accepted their decision not to have children, his father is in denial and won't discuss it, he said. Charles, a licensed pilot, said he and Nancy came to a mutual agreement early in their four-year marriage that they didn't want kids.

"There are a lot of things I want to do in life and that we want to do as a couple that are just not conducive to having children," Charles said. "Children absorb any disposable income. And, since we're opposites, we would have different parenting styles, which would only cause problems."

----Active Austin group----

The Wrights said they hope to model the local NO KIDDING! group after the one established in Austin by Janet Christian in 2000. Christian said the Austin group now has about 180 members with monthly activities for varying interests including game nights, restaurant explorers, video nights, a book club and happy hour get-togethers. Married for 15 years, she said she and her husband decided early on not to have children.

"I was never oriented in that direction and didn't put that much energy into being a mom," she said. "I grew up playing with dinosaurs and trucks instead of Barbies. I climbed trees, and most of my friends were boys."

Christian said most members in the Austin club put a lot of thought into remaining child free, but some have changed their minds after getting married. Personally, she doesn't buy into what she calls the myth of the happy family.

"Just sit and watch a family long enough, and you will see fights between kids, between parents and kids and between parents themselves," she said. "I see it happen in restaurants, churches, at the mall. I think there are more unhappy times in families with kids than most people realize."

For Nancy Wright, remaining child free was a matter of maintaining freedom and independence, she said. She admits that neither she nor Charles are patient people and that she doesn't care for the noise kids make. She got a first-hand look at family life as a full-time nanny for four years and realized parenthood wasn't in the cards for her.

"I'm just not cut out for it," she said. "Just like some people aren't cut out to be doctors or lawyers, I'm not meant to be a parent. My animals are my kids (two dogs, two cats, rabbits, chickens and bees) and I love my life the way it is."

John Allen can be reached at jallen@wacotrib.com or at 757-5730.