Child-free by Choice

By Sharyn Alden
January 23, 2000

In the past four decades, socially acceptable lifestyle choices for women have swung back and forth -- from stay-at-home moms, to supermoms balancing a family with a career, to women with fewer children.

Another trend quietly sweeping the country defies society's expectations. More single women and couples are making a conscious choice not to have children at all.

Statistics show that the number of women who remain childless hovers around 20 percent. The number who consider themselves voluntarily childless is much smaller but growing, from 2.4 percent in 1982 to 4.3 percent in 1990, according to the National Center for Health Statistics.

"Women have more freedom now to choose whether to have or not to have children," says Richard Levine, a clinical psychologist with Independent Psychology Alliance in Madison. He leads a group for couples who are deciding whether to have children.

Those who have made the choice not to have children, however, realize that remaining childless comes with a price.

"Society doesn't always support those decisions," Levine says.

"There's a stigma attached to not having children."

Women have a societal pressure to reproduce, Levine continues, and those who opt to avoid parenting are often labeled selfish -- an idea Levine disputes.

"People confuse selfishness with self-awareness," he says. "Those who choose not to have children are usually thought to be selfish, but I think it's an unselfish choice. These are informed, carefully thought-out choices."

Christine Beatty, director of the Madison Senior Center, has been married to Fred Kauffeld for 27 years. During the early years of their marriage the couple didn't make a conscious decision not to have children.

"I was finishing an undergraduate degree, and Fred was completing his Ph.D. But as soon as we were both employed for a while, the questions started. People wanted to know when we were going to have children and if we were infertile," Beatty says.

As time passed, the decision not to have children evolved. After careful thought, the couple came to the conclusion it was the right decision for them.

One factor in their decision: "Zero population growth," Beatty says. "I was influenced by it in the 1960s and 1970s, and I'm still committed to it."

Many couples Levine has counseled have had one partner who is the fence-sitter. That person is unsure whether having a child will result in greater marital satisfaction. But people learn there are multiple roles in a relationship, Levine says. When they become parents, often their own self-image changes as well as their perception of their partner.

Before people make the decision whether to have children, Levine says, it's helpful to connect with others also puzzling over the decision.

"Interaction with those who have common concerns can help people examine the question of whether or not they want to introduce another human being into their relationship."

He notes some marriages are based on friendship, others on romance. "Ideally a marriage needs both to endure the pressures of having a child," he says.

It may be easier if the decision not to have children is made early in a marriage.

"But how can one project ahead of time how it feels to raise a child, or how it might feel to leave a job to be a stay-at-home parent, or what it's like to leave the child with a caretaker? The reality is, we don't know in advance," Levine says.

Melanie Ramey, owner of the consulting firm Center for Creative Management, past executive director of the YWCA of Madison and past president of Madison's Downtown Rotary Club, says her decision to remain childless makes good sense for her circumstances.

Ramey and her husband, Rabah Guefri, a professional school administrator, have been married 21 years. During the first 10 years of their marriage they lived in different countries. The arrangement prompted a lot of questions.

"At first, people thought it was strange, and they asked questions like 'what's wrong with your marriage, and why are you avoiding having children?'"

"Later, when we didn't have a commuter marriage, I realized my life would continue to involve travel and living in other countries. I felt children would be shortchanged by this lifestyle. I haven't regretted the decision not to have children. I don't think we need to clone ourselves to satisfy our own needs."

Childless by choice means living in a society that has not yet come to terms with how to react. Levine says one common myth is that womanliness is connected with having a child.

"Society needs to re-examine these preconceived assumptions," he says.

Dr. Theresa Duello, research scientist at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine in the department of obstetrics and gynecology, has found there's a pervasive perception about professional women and their role of motherhood.

Duello, who does not have children, says, "Professional women often find themselves in a no-win situation. If they don't have children, there's a curiosity about them and why they don't have children. But if they have children, there's concern that motherhood might somehow interfere with their ability to perform their job."

Another misconception is that women who don't have children don't want to be around children. Beatty says she's aware that parents with young children have been worried she will be bothered by their children's presence.

"Nothing could be further from the truth," she says.

At 45, five years after she made the decision not to have children, Casey continues to feel pressure about it.

"I bump into it all the time in the workplace. I haven't come up with any pat answers, but if the person is someone I feel comfortable with, I'll share more with them," she says.

To those who think they know what's best for others, consider this: "When I was younger," Beatty says, "people used to tell me I was on a good career path, and I should have children to round out the picture. The irritation was they presumed to know me better than I know myself."

Duello adds, "Why would you want to have an opinion on my childbearing choice?"

Information:

• Independent Psychology Alliance, 313 Price Place, Suite 1, Madison, offers a group for individuals or couples struggling with the decision of whether to have children. For information, call Dr. Richard Levine or Dr. Sandra Eugster at 233-2477.


• The ChildFree Association, 1971 W. Lumsden Road, Suite 186, Brandon, FL 33511. Support and information for those who have decided not to have children as well as for those who are undecided.